i'm sorry...

i didn't realise it... i cried out when i read it... though i noe you might have none, and i still ask from u...
for the sake of myself... i didn't realise i'm so selfish... i knew i was.. but i jus wanted to enjoy myself for awhile... i didn't know you were having hard time...
i didn't know what the hell i did... i kept quiet when you shouted at me i was upset too... after that... you msg mi, i was touched by the things you did... sorry for my wildness... appreciate what you done... in times we need to help each other out...
come to all this, i'm not good at all... i don't know how to do it... i'm very bad at it...

Suddenly i lost myself...

I seriously lost myself...
not sure how to bring myself back together again... too tired to do anything... i haven been in sch for 2 days... sound like humpty dumpy... hehe... but seriously... i feel like i have broken into pieces... all the things i wan to do i couldnt finish... i really hated the feeling... when i couldn't find the things, and couldn't finish it when actually i can... i feel like i got sort of attitude problem... i couldn't let go of anything... i scare once i let it go i can nv bring it back again, and i won't have the energy to bring it back... that's why keep reminding about it in my mind... perhaps that's why i feel stress... that's why and so on...
feel like running out... catching up with someone... running in the rain... hope the rain can help me wash off all the useless and unhelpful things, hope that it can clear my mind, hope that it can lighten my load... and hope that... so much so much...
god help me pls...
i do love god, i do love everyone, i nv blame on anyone though is their mistake. maybe sometimes i blame.. but is temporary... i dun meant it... i may be striaght forward, i meant it though, but once it's over means it's over, jus dun do it again... i'm alright... everyone makes mistake including mi... noe your mistake and be done with it... why need to hold on to it for too long... making others feel bad? treating each others like enemies? m i sensitive? too much of emotion carrying out in my heart... how can i let go? can someone help me with it...
really feel like crying... m really scared... i'm not strong as i used to be... rest is wat i needed most i think... but i couldnt spent so much time on resting, i won't be able to catch up with the things that left it there for mi to finish.... how...
Battle with myself... i lost to myself... need time to recover...

i felt so stress, felt useless, upset, inferior, etc... so much things i'm not satisfied with myself.
I needed someone to talk to me, it can't be anyone.
needed for mi to rely on. felt that i couldn't hold on to so much stuff. needed someone to shared my workload with mi... of cos it can't be one way...

i'm so tired i want to rest... who will i be able to rest on... who can make mi feel safe...

_ ______ ____ ___... ____ _ ___
_______ ....

i Felt hurt...

hurt by something which i had long forgotten.. eventually i didnt... jus happen that.. i was so busy with stuff... that i didnt even have time to recall... while i think is not... i dunnoe... too many stuff coming in... and too many stuff going out of me... i jus dun noe what to accept and what to give up... end up giving up and taking in the wrong stuff.
Busy till i lost concentration... i forgot how to concentration on one stuff.. i dunnoe how to put my mind clear of other stuff...

now telling myself... jus let go of everything... take up a things only after each time i complete the other. take a step back when i loss myself... control my mind dun let my mind control me... last of all relax...
can't do fast enough... while... do the more important, and easiest one first... eventually things will get easier and lighter...
the only thing i noe, jus be patient enough... everything can be done..

Dedicate to All Wind Sym members...

Wooooow..... Performances finally over.... Great Job guys... can hear us on tv... not bad ar!
Thanks to all the people who has preserved till now... who has makes us sound like one, without one, we might not be able to make it. Yeah? haha. love u guys... You guys really done very well compare to the rest of the performances, this time is real great. can ya feel it? we have onli been together for a short term, roughly going to nine months. and we did it once again... Let's do it One More Time! Yeah!... hehe... so dun have time for you all to relax ar... band camp coming next... COMM!!! need to prepared for it le... Jia You! Believe in urself...

Performance On Sat...

it's killing us... i'm damm tired rite now, onli got abt less then 4 hrs of slp... and couldn't slp well too, becos of the stupid ghost trail thing.... people downstair shouting, and talking, wake mi up at 3 plus... sian... i tot is five le... scare then dun join la... crazy... join to scare yourself... worth it ma... rite now, i'm like half dead... jus reach home onli and finish bathing le... time now is 8:04 pm...
it's only a one day overnight but seem like a three days camp... fri nite, onli a few of us in and room... WHERE DID THE REST GO! we practise and practise till like 8.30pm (it's one day le). start moving all the instrument down. till about 9 plus like dat. then bring our belonging to the tower north level 3, super tired when we reached there, cos carry all the heavy stuff. haha but we got very nice food... like japanese bian dan. then everything settle down le and bathed le, so do wat... RJ la... sickening... almost all the yr 2 and 3 were rushing for RJ in the last 1 and a half hrs. then this and dat... wait for sherline and mabel to bath la.. cos sherline came late. then blah blah blah... till 1 plus then slp. wake up at 5, wash up all these, then pack our things within 45mins... but we took more then tat, then the Manu already reach at 5.45 like dat... the guys got to rush over there... haha then we abit slower la... reached there around 6 lor... then we slack there la, cos the guys doing the moving of instrument up to the truck... the truck left around 6.30am. not sure wat time we left but i think we reach there before 7 or slightly later then 7 cos i dun have watch with mi... guess wat... we haven had our breakfast... lucky yesterday plan to buy bread, jus in case... onli had the breakfast provided for us at 10 plus, close to 11 which is after everything had finish... then got tour around the campus... hai... one of the SA guys damm stupid make a joke which isn't funny at all and said i'm telling a joke... and kind of stupid la, so we was like HA HA HA HA... very loudly... after the tour... took photo here and there... very tired... then take photo till 12 plus la... then moved the instument le... oh ya before that... during the free time.... RPWS eat like mad... haha eat non stop... wonder how big our stomach can stored. the food is nice la.. hahaha... got three different area for the buffet thing... then i think i took more then three times lor... each time at diff area... haha.. cos the food is diff, i like the cheese cake... a very small one... is very nice... ya after all this nonsense stuff, at first in the bus we were quite noisy... but after that nothing to sing and talk le... everybody slp... the bus ride is abt 1 hr... very long lor... but we was so tired that we didnt even care... jus slp till we reach lor..
then move the instrument again lor... and the bus cannot go up to blk A... we got to carry the instrument to block A... sickening... hehe... ming cong went to ask the security to bungy ride us up... hahaha... the bungy stuffed with dunnoe how many instruments lor... i very scare that the bungy can't go up the slope... haha.. but it can lor... not bad ar... then slack in band room... dunnoe doing what stuff la... then aisha, jy, and mi playing with sponge ball.. throwing around... whahhaa... quite stupid la... slack here slack there 3 le so left the band room and mi, jy and aisha went to tiong bahru to eat KFC... hahah eat again... we chit chat till 6 plus lor... i slept in the train... and i didnt noe i missed the stop, missed 2 some more, tot i was still at douby ghaut lor.. then took back the train reach home around 7.30 like dat... so here i am writing all these stuff... cos very long nv write le... so feel like writing before i go slp.. tml need to wake up at 6 plus... got work...
JY jus told mi we were on TV... ya.. got channel news asia, media crops coming to shoot the ministers and all... then i not sure y... some of them went to take photo with minister... i saw them but didnt noe they were talking photo with him.. but i just join in... whahahhaha... :p
Rite now... i looked like panda... black eye very obvious... no need to put make up... hahaha... wan the black effect of eye shadow? and i can barely carry heavy stuff now... overstrain my muscle... can feel the stretch and pain of my shoulder to my hand...

How much things i do recently...

First very important... schooling... studying from 8 to 5 for mon,tue, thur, and fri.

Usually on mon and thur got test... so study on sun and wed...

the rest of the days.. work... wed 8 to 5, sat maybe 8 to 2, sun 8 to 5.

next IGs...
band tue and thur from 5.30 to around 9pm.
Guitar Fri around same time...

Next reading...

Lastly... Games...

Occasionally... performing, planning for Band stuff, doing admin stuff, meetings, think of plan as well as planning for it, and blah blah blah...

so usually sleep at 12 wake up at 6 plus... 6 hrs of slp everyday... no nap... no extra slp... hai...

Not sure how i going to cope... currently... i'm quite worried abt my pp... cos i haven found anyone yet... i dun dare to approach leh... hai... i worried that they reject mi. actually... i noe what to do, i have a brief idea le... but haven write out yet... dun have time... and i have lots of resources to look at... hai... i planning to write lots of stuff... i need guidenance... ai yo... headache... i jus need time to plan out all the things... hai... and i need time to find people... that's the most worring part... not easy lor... all those people are like big people out there who doesn't wan to be interview, and all... so i kind of lower down my expectation... hai...

Boring...

Haven't been so boring and so free till today... i really got nothing to do. today sch was quite easy, then class end early at 2.30 like dat... got meeting at 4.30 so stay in class to do rj till then lor... by the time i just finish my rj lor... but haven submit yet cos i still wan to add something, but then when i reach home jus add 1 or 2 more lines then submit le... haha... so after meeting went to eat at red hill... hum.. eat the same thing i had in sch this morning... ji shi noodle... hahah... didnt realise it till i ate it... hai... crazy mi... after that... i bought bo bo cha cha home.. quite tired... was reading books in the train but fall asleep... then now at home rj submitted le, dunnoe what to do leh, dun feel like watchig tv... but like there's so much things waiting for mi... jus couldn't be bother.. hehe... but i wan to do something.. hahha... maybe go slp is a better idea... whahaha... but slping is like wasting of time... gosh...

Right now... i'm thinking of something... shouldn't think too much... think i going slp... having sligh flu rite now... guess that my slping time kept adjusting recently...

White...

miss it. hoping my dreams comes true soon... i will be very happy, but guess that i cant put so much time on it. but i dun mind. jus hoping a chance will come by, take mi there to my destination. i love that.
something missing in my life which i'm always foreseeing it.
unwilling to give up till i see it.
it takes a sec to take but a millions years to give up. for some reason, i guess... i have never given up anything. hoping to maintain this way.

i going to slp... tml another new day... hoping to c something happening... yeah... nite guys...

Happy today...

hum... ok first... i suppose to meet ying2 at 9.40am at douby ghaut MRT. and i woke up late... at 10 you noe... hahaha... didnt even noe she called mi.. guess that i'm still in my dreams dun feel like waking up, cos it's a nice dream. hoping it to come true... and guess, it wun. so after awhile i realise my phone is ringing, then i wake up suddenly, realising abt the time... haha so quickily call back lor... then i reach there around 11am... wahhah... ya then drag here drag there... go buy things... ya shop around NTUC for dunnoe how long and deciding what to cook and wat to buy... haha... ok.. ended up making brownie, cookies, chocolate fondue with fruits, and milk shake... whahha... still have some cookies and brownies in my bag rite now. that elaine ar.. keep saying wan to go home... haha... so trying ways to stop her from going home... lol... so drag her to stay with us till around six plus lor... then at veron house hor.. she was saying wanted to go wash hair at salon, asking want to go or not. haha... then i wanted to cut hair too... hehe... so after all the nonsense things, wait here wait there, then we left her house. went to toa payoh to cut my hair and she wash her hair.. ying2 sitting there alone reading comics and listening to music.. haha... i got my hair cut in about less then half an hour i think. and veron haven't done with her hair yet... and i have to pay more ex then her... haha like not worth it.. but ok la, jus abt 18 bucks. lots of things to say.. but then... lazy to type...
and ya... on tue rite.. guess who i saw... i dunnoe his name, and he's from the chinese show Vampire 3 (wo he jian shi you ge yue hui 3). wan yuan bupoa... at first i tot is someone else who looks like him... then pei xuan told mi is the who lor... then who lor.. haha... mi and her walk pass him lor.. they were shooting something i think... it was quite a weird place to see him la.. at little india. must be wondering why i was there rite... well... i got nothing to do after work... so call up daniel jus happen that they were working at little india, so i meet up with them... and then work with them too.. haha... their job hor damm bo liao lor... haha.. pei xuan got to walk around surveying people... and through small alley with lots of indian around, and it's so weird to have a chinese appearing in that street. poor her...

Today (31st October 05)

Wow... time past so fast... it's already one month... Our fifth problem le... fast rite... seems like it was last week that sch start but it's not...
Monday...
THink that the lesson on Immunology was quite tough.. but then.. somehow it's relaxing... not sure why.. easy Rj completed it in less then an hour? lol... went to library after school... photocopied notes... find cook books for thur... haha going veron house... cool rite.. whahaha... hum... then left mi and ying2. first elaine left after she has photocopied her stuff... then veron left after she found her cookbook... haha..
so what we do in library... ya.. do RJ!!! hum... we wasted lots of time.. chit chatting, looking for books, photocopying, wat else eat and slack there... and realise that the time was already going 6 when we started to do RJ... haha... so do RJ... and nonsense thing in the library till it closed... after dat went to eat.. haha... went Jurong east.. wat a bo liao day... lol... for ying ying sake.. i went there you noe... she's going JB... and she is meeting her mum at 9.15pm at the custom... and guess wat we left Jurong entertainment at 8.30pm... lol... and she got to rush to Kranji, so i accompanied her by taking the red line... and because of her again... whahha... so went past a stop which makes me think about it. have been thinking recently... missing it badly... sitting in the MRT tell mi that... never look back... dun start there... it goes on... yeah?... hehe... my destination is at the other place (of cos my house, hehehe)... yah... after a stop or a few Ying2 left mi... so took out my book and start reading lor... (american gods by neil gailman) hum... quite a nice book.. yup.. then fall asleep... haha too tired.. then got a old man.. sat beside me... he's quite weird.. dunnoe what he's doing.. he's taking up so much space that left mi with little space for movement... and i'm feeling so uncomfortable, then so irritated that i didnt lie on the chair, just sit half of the seat lor... lucky going off soon... hehe... ya... not much thing when i got home... hehe... tml got work at 8AM... need to wake up at 6 45 like dat.. and i'm waiting for ming cong call... he so late... wan to slp le... lol...

Currently...

Thanks ya guys for supporting me... hehe...
also... thanks those who has greet me... no time to say thanks ya to u guys... hehe... sorry abt it...
So glad that holidays has come... but it's only three days... got lots of things to do. it's not enough... surprisingly that i got the energy to do all those... jus dat i dun have enough time. hum... hehe tue and wed got work.. thur go my frenz house... yeah... we got to enjoy there man... it's a once in a million chance to go to frenz house... not sure y this sem... frenz really meant alot to mi. really enjoy with them. not jus onli frenz la.. my band too... really got to commit myself into it... gosh... Jus hope that i can do it. promise wun let ya guys down... yeah?
Ya... Congrats to all who got into the committee... out of so many we can only choose one. and after that... looking for people to be in the post. guess that it's really cruel, and kind of sensitive thing. hai... felt sorry for those who didnt get the post they wanted to... anyway, ya guys still got years to go. can't do it this year, next year lor... yeah? I'm kind of feeling bad when i c myself doing so little for the band, while for the rest of the band members they really wan to contribute to the band. maybe that's where my motivation comes from. my engine start moving, and it can't be stop rite now... whahha...hai... but lots of thing waiting for mi to do leh...
1st - studies...
2nd - Band
3rd - Frenz
4th - Work
5th - Guitar

Hum... currently... this is how i rank it... whahah. so tired...

hai.... think i got to improve myself next week... kept coming late on fri... last time is on wed now is on fri... and becos of late i got C for 3 times... i'm not sad abt that. i knew i will get it. cos i'm very late. alway reach around 10 plus... hai... how sia... and i would have gotten a better grade then this if it's not for lateness... realise it is not worth it. further more it's not that i did nothing on that day. hum... should change asap...

Next... got everything new... coping with everything new... i love that challange... whahha... but quite tiring leh... hum... first new job, then new sem, new hair, new post, everything new. like complete make over... whahha... i think this sem... really makes a big difference to mi. i feel fresher now, compare to last sem. this sem... though sometime i still dun get it. but it somehow lighten lots of weight from mi. perhaps, it is due to less one module to take care of.

no time to finish... going slp... cont next time...

I'm missing...

Missing my frenz out there... haven been meeting them for such a long time... hoping to c them soon... but dunnoe when...

Missing my instruments, left it in band room... though it jus yesterday since i touch it... we had a really long played... couldn't control my mouth yesterday, it was far beyond my limit, but i'm trying to build up, i dun wan to be in there for three years and learn nothing. I'm happy enough to play there for a year, and though didnt' really learn alot alot, erm... ok la... i also dun noe if i got improve. but i feel that i didn't, onli slightly.

Missing my frenz in band... they really make a diff in my life... they are cool, fun, cute, joker. they made my day end happier.

Missing the sound of band...

And of cos someone out there... whahaha.. a handsome dude...

so sad... there is so many things that i'm missing...

i miss out guitar... erm... i've given up my hope... only when today jennifer conducting, i feel better... i really prefer her to be the instructor. she adjust not just the rythm but the sound too. that's wat instructor should do. and not alway repeating the same thing and care all abt rythum, though it comes first, but we have being playing it for so many times, till i got sick of it. i'm feeling that, there isn't any thing that makes mi stay... people keep saying sian... but they do nothing abt it... making people more sian... i really dun feel like performing, i dun wan to feel failure...

As times goes by i start to forget... and then reminding myself again later in part of my life...
The things you see it, you want it, but you cant have it. that's how sad life is. hum... you can if you work hander for it. guess, most of the things can, but u need to work for it. things doesn't come easily rite? jus that in some part of your life you choose not to have it, cos you dun need it anyway, it's jus the feeling of having it. sometime it makes a difference but at times it don't.

hum... wat i think...

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship, never

Love, with very young people, is a heartless business. We drink at that age from thirst, or to get drunk; it is only later in life that we occupy ourselves with the individuality of our wine.

Bored... that happens when i'm alone, when i'm thinking, when i'm free, when ...

suddenly... it's back again...

got to know that it'll nv happen.

Funny quote...

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love
Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate!
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks - erm.. is this true???
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece
You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them

Working on sun...

Hey... yesterday i saw a very cute boy... he's really cute... and expressive... whaha... guess what? he bring a book to his mum of who ever i dun noe... then he said. 'i'm scaring you...' and the tone he said it was really cute... then he open the page to his mum and said it again... i was there luffing... but the bad thing is that we have to pick up those book those rascal bring around... and the whole of borders really hate kids section... while maybe i should say kids... whahah... erm... i do to... but when i see them rite... they are really cute, and they make u luff and keep you thinking abt their action... especially hyperactive kids... but sometime you get headache of them... cos they kept running around banging into people, and sometime they fall down, makes mi luff... cos their reaction damm slow.. they get up... then walk a few steps... saw their parent run to them... and wat they do... cry... whahhaha... isn't that funny and try looking into their eyes... it's real funny...and their parents were luffing at them too...

Wind Sym new com coming out

I kind of scare and kind of happy... scare becos of the position i will get, happy becos got new people to help... and hopes they dun gives much problem... hope that i will remain in my position.... i dun mind having this pos... cos quite easy... not much thing... whahha... let's c wat daniel will get? and wat MC will get... hum... not sure MC will come more often if he got a better pos with more responsible? hard to predict...

it doesn't make a diff

Hum... guess that no one really cares... whether you are around or not... it will jus be the same. i'll be there doing my own stuff... learning my own things... think i really kind of give up... wat i wan isn't jus abt playing alone, if that's wat i wan, mus well go yamaha and learn. i have been lowering mself so much so much... time taken was too long... wasted half a year... half a year of my time there's alot i can do. well... there is people who can play well there, there is people hu is willing to teach... admit that i'm kind of unwillingly... cos wat i do? sit there... teach them watch them... wat else? wat i gain... nothing.. at the end of the day.. jus tired (go home slp better, got people to replace mi)...
if people cant clicked well, tat person dies off... even if he tried his best to stay, it doesn't make a point also, cos it doesn't belong to there at first. it jus like north pole animal moving to the equator and staying with the animal there, the end result is dying there. i lost my good frenz there... should go back to where i belong....
hai... went for wind sym meeting today... well lots more intesting and challenging things coming up... i dun understand why the yr three can do so much in wind sym and why not the yr 3 in genre? the people are the same, from the same couse and so on...only 3 of the yr three hanging there and pushing the whole band, i really appreciate them alot alot... i really have no idea... wat will happen next time when the new com takes over? will they be the same as them? for mi i think they really do very well, i guess i couldn't be as good as them but i'm willing to try. and they did a good job, i will feel guilty if i dun. maybe they are e first batch and they went through alot... and the years 2 went through hard time with them too... and those days were memorable... laughter, work, though there is complaing and getting angry with each other... but then, we get over it after we vent out. people leaves and comes... well... i'm happy that i've met them... but it's kind of sad when the people are close to us left... if only all of them stay, that would be great... and i'm really glad that those who are still here stay on... they make us looks like a band at least... Daniel, you really did a great job by maintaning all those instrument in shape.. haha... sad that jy left u alone... Knoe it's hard to maintain both study and band and do well in both. we decide for our own things... if choose to pick up then you have to maintain it, got to learn, and adapt to it. if you want it then organise it... if cannot take it den too bad it's when people leave... we can't blame them too.. it's a personnal things, cant be done by forcing. not sure why i talk about all this but hum... type and type and type... that's how it goes...
maybe last sem it's really tough for mi.. and i kind of able to manage it this sem... though i say i wanted a week break from both the Igs... but i went to band... i dun feel stress, though i feel tired, at least we can c that everyone play their part by learning their own part and makes us sound like band. though some of the pieces still sounded bad... guess we can make it rite... yeah...
yesterday actually dun wan to go for band, i was at the bus stop goin to board the bus, lucky the bus is not 111... whaha... i feel really bad when pei xuan say she's not going... and that's when daniel call mi... lol... in the end headed back to sch... well i didn't regret abt it. cos it's fun there and realise that big event coming out in ws... so perhap next time i wouldn't mention about not going to band... whaha, unless i really really very tired, and no time to study for ut... went to eat with hannah and theodore at mos... had my corn soup and bought a pair of ladies shoe... lol...